means finding ways to make yourself feel special on your birthday rather than your friends and family doing that for you, buying your own drinks at your birthday outing, watching your friends interact with each other more than they interact with you at said outing, and knowing that if you moved away it wouldn’t make a difference in any of these people’s lives.
oh, and spending most of the night wishing the one person you really want to spend your birthday with could be there, but knowing that will never happen.
so glad i’m home alone and this day is over.
i get a lot of flack for being really (and i mean REALLY) pessimistic. my saxophone teacher hates it the most, because i put down my musicianship and my ability before i breathe a note. and i get why he gets frustrated, because i’m frustrated too. that’s why i SAY those things, because nothing good comes out when i play.
he says i’m working hard, and that i’ve improved so much, and that i have all of this music inside me that he wants to come out. and i agree with him. i am working hard; i’ve seen my playing as a whole change more in the past year (hell, even in the past summer) than in my entire undergrad, and people in the studio have noticed too.
but, my problem is still that i don’t feel like i’m being given opportunities i… deserve is the wrong word… but i feel like i’ve worked hard and proven that i’m deserving of these opportunities. opportunities like playing in a masterclass for Claude Delangle. or opportunities to play solos in wind ensemble literature (or hell, play first parts on more than one piece out of the entire concert). so you see, professor, it’s these types of things that cause me to feel negative about my playing. because no matter how hard i work or have worked, no matter how much i continue to improve, it still won’t be good enough. how am i supposed to be positive when i know that?
well, clearly you didn’t dump me because you needed time for yourself. you dumped me because you found someone better (while we were still dating, might i add) and weren’t man enough to admit it to my face. i hope you find some fulfillment in being the pseudo father to her son, and that you don’t lie to her about your feelings like you did to me. and don’t worry, the person my ex’s date after me always ends up being their soul mate, so you’re all set.